“I don’t trust you, God,” I said out loud.
It never crossed my mind that He would send a bolt of lightning or strike me down for my words. I had learned to be blatantly honest with Him, even about very personal woman stuff that I wouldn’t tell anyone else.
I told him, I felt like He had broken my heart. As if He was leading me from one disappointment to the next.
He was too still in moments I needed action. He was quiet when I needed His direction and assurance that He was with me through the challenge. He was quiet even when the rejections came heavy and swift. Disappointment after disappointment, He was who I believed was with me, yet, I was not having the good success His Word promised.
It made no sense to lie. I wasn’t feeling any love from my Father, and I did not believe that I was a priority to Him.
Yet, I never feared speaking the truth as I felt it in that moment.
I did not know it then, but my ability to speak the words aloud, without fear of retribution was an act of trust.
No one else has ever inspired that level of openness and truth telling. I could be honest to God and not worry if it would be thrown back in my face or fear that I would hear it down the road a few hours later.
I could tell him like Peter told Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help now my unbelief.”
I could be in two places at the same time in my faith walk without Him laughing at my lack of clarity or direction.
My words said I don’t trust you, but the act of giving voice to them was an act of my trust and confidence in the relationship we have had since I was a little girl. He was trustworthy. He listened and he heard.
My moments of doubt in our relationship were because I was taking it for granted. I was not investing the time and attention needed to keep our connection strong by spending time in prayer and in His Word. I was standing still and expecting Him to operate in the ways He always did when He wanted me to come closer and higher to see a new side of Him.
“I cried unto the Lord and the Lord heard me.” Psalm 120:11
God always hears us. He may not respond in the way you are used to, but He always knows how to make sure you hear Him.
Today, be honest about how you feel about Him, your own fears, your challenges, and the desires of your heart.
He is trustworthy and dependable.