I have been describing 2026 so far as life in a blender. Although, the more I think about it, a food processor may be more accurate.
It’s the spinning. The chopping. The refining.
For much of the year, I felt as if all I was doing was spinning. Going around in circles trying to improve my health, figure out work, understand where I stood with God, and determine what I needed to do to grow and become a better human being.
But no matter what I thought I had figured out, I seemed to end up in the same place.
As the year progressed, I began taking steps towards the glimmers I could see. I worked on my health, started building a new business and became more intentional about drawing closer to God.
Instead of feeling more confident, I felt exposed.
I became painfully aware of how inadequate I felt. I was stuck in a place where I could not go backwards, but the way forward was not yet clear.
It is September, and, fingers crossed, I am nearing the end of what has felt like a 40-week journey towards becoming a new Nerissa.
Doubt has been one of my most persistent companions. Guilt has been another, and shame still appears every now and again.
Am I doing the right thing?
Is this me, or is this God?
How could I have messed things up so badly that I no longer know which way is up?
Why am I afraid?
When did I become so insecure?
It felt as if Superwoman had lost her cape, her powers and even her will to fight crime, along with all the other battles she had been waging.
In those moments, all I could do was confess the truth to myself and to the people God had brought close enough to hear it.
I feel lost.
I do not know who I am supposed to be right now.
Something became clear to me this morning while I was speaking with my son.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I had interpreted all the spinning, chopping and apparent lack of progress as evidence of my failure. I saw it as a fatal flaw, proof that I had somehow lost my ability to fix things as I had done a thousand times before.
I could only see every spin, every cut and every stage of refinement as something I had done wrong.
But what if it was not failure?
What if God was pruning away what could not accompany me into the next season?
The habits, choices and ways of thinking that brought me here served a purpose. But accomplishing what I have been asking for, and stepping into what God has planned for me, requires refinement.
There were parts of me I needed to release. Habits and beliefs that no longer fit. Patterns that once protected me but had become weights holding me back.
I did not like the chopping because the woman emerging from it was unrecognisable.
The refinement left me feeling like an ugly duckling who could not yet see the swan. I felt awkward, exposed and deeply insecure.
And all of this has been happening while I am dealing with perimenopause.
Hormonal changes. Insomnia. Migraines. And everything else that decided to join the party.
It kept coming, making the spinning and chopping feel endless. At times, it was difficult to separate spiritual, emotional and physical upheaval. I only knew that I did not feel like myself.
But when I heard myself say aloud, “There is nothing wrong with me,” I felt relief.
I am growing and changing, and I do not yet know how to be the next version of myself.
Perhaps that is the point.
Becoming could not happen without exposing what was underneath. I needed to confront the belief systems that had carried me this far but could carry me no further. I needed to recognise the areas where I had not developed discipline and now had to take responsibility so I could stand strong in the life I had been asking God to give me.
So, I say thank you to the younger versions of me.
Thank you to the brave woman who took risks, survived hard things and kept going. Thank you to the woman who reminds me that I have not become less courageous.
I am braver now because I am willing to start again.
I am braver because I am moving on.
I am braver because I am trying things I have never done before, without the comfort of knowing exactly how they will turn out.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I am being refined.
And although I may not yet recognise the woman who is emerging, I trust the One who is shaping her.
“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.”
Philippians 1:6
